What the F?

Ah, the eternal question... what the F am I doing?  But really?  What am I doing?  Perhaps it is not an eternal question for you, but it is one that frequently preoccupies my mind.  It seems to come in really strong waves, and then goes out with the tide and for intervals I am extremely content and my mind takes on the "YEAH! This is the path I am supposed to be on" motto.  And then, for reasons I am exploring now, here, and in time to come; something changes, perhaps suddenly, perhaps gradually, and that question creeps back in... "Hilary, what the F are you doing? Are you happy?  Is this what you are supposed to be doing?".

I have journaled privately about it, cried about it, meditated on it, tried to ignore it, stressed about it, over stressed about it, ran from it (both physically and metaphorically), breathed deep through it,  screamed over it, moved to other countries because of it, contemplated, pined after it, complained about it, beat myself up over it, got depressed about it, pretended I didn't care about it, cared too much about it, and now here I am... simply trying to confront it and understand it.

My response to this question of what the f am I doing is currently a stream of questions... What the fuck am I doing?  Should I even be asking that question?  Why do I feel I am supposed to do anything? Why do I feel so discontent sometimes?  Am I too much of a dreamer?  Do other people feel this way?  Isn't what I am doing more than enough? Aren't I enough? How do other people feel content?  How did they get to where they're at?  And why?  And why do they stay there? Are they happy? Content?  If not why?  And if not, why do they stay?  What the fuck are we all doing?

For background info, In a extrmely small nutshell (like pistachio sized) Flame & Stone grew from my love of metalsmithing which I randomly but organically stumbled upon in 2005 during my second semester at UW Madison for which I had intended to go and study various religious beliefs and paths.  It then grew from my holistic beleif that the pursuit of happiness should overflow into all aspects of our being, from the internal joy & soul satisfying passion (my flame) I feel from working with my hands and creating beauty,  and from the need to supply my family with some supplemental income while allowing me to be available for my children/family (my base, my foundation, my stone) as much as possible, while recognizing jobs are limited where we live and creating my own income is a viable option.  Sounds dreamy doesn't it?  Seems like it should be.

But yet I struggle. 

So, here I am.  Awkwardly trying to stumble down a new path while this little spark in the back of my heart keeps flaring up, saying, 'turn back, this isn't the way'. 

But, what is the way?  

I am reaching out here, to you, in my first blog post ever, and I would really love honest, raw, open, feedback to be shared without fear of judgement.

I am seeking knowledge, and ideas through your answers. I am seeking personal and universal and communal understanding.  I am seeking camaraderie. Encouragement. Inspiration.  I am seeking your stories, to enrich my own perspectives and to bring me to new levels of appreciation for the human struggle and new connections to other humans.  I am hoping these stories help us all.  That you can share and read with an open heart and mind and perhaps an answer you have been seeking will present itself here. 

SO.... I ask of you...

What is your story?  

How/why did you end up doing what you do?

 End up where you are?  

Are you happy?


If not, why?  

If so, how?  

What would you change if anything? And why do you not pursue that change? 

Please!  Contemplate.  Think about it.  Write about it.  Share it.  I really, truly want to hear it.  Without judgement. Without analysis. I just want to hear what you have to say.  

Share this blog. I want to hear what your friends have to say, and their friends too.  

 If you do not feel comfortable or safe commenting here on this post, please email me @ hilary.metalsmith@gmail.com. 

We are all in this thing together.  

Be well.